Self-preservation, like eating, like copulating, is entirely instinctive. This is why homicide has always made infinitely more sense to me than suicide. Suicide is a direct affront to that instinct, while homicide, as it might suit self-preservation, is a lot more rational. I’ve always felt a lot more homicidal than suicidal. I don’t know what suicidal feelings even feel like.

The closest thing to a suicidal feeling I’ve ever had was, I suppose, hoping to get hit by a car or something, nothing that would kill me hardly, just a broken tibia or something. Something that would put me up in hospital for a few days, a few weeks, where I could just be luxurious in my convalescence and have food brought to me and watch horrible afternoon television and welcome well-wishers laden with flowers and teddy bears and not worry about everything that I had to do and everybody I had to pay.

But that’s the closest I’ve ever got. On the other hand I’m homicidal very often. No worries. I don’t own a gun. The only reason I can think of for building a bomb with the crap I already have under my sink is to blow up the crap under my sink.

Riding the subway makes me want to kill people. People who don’t like dogs, most children, almost everybody who works in a gym, bankers, people who are mean to fast food workers make me homicidal. But of course if I removed everybody who irritated me I might get quite lonely. So I just keep my homicidal fantasies. Usually they’re enough.

What I really don’t understand are homicide-suicides. They’re very upsetting. Talk about overkill. It seems to me that if you have a problem, you should pick one or the other. If homicide doesn’t solve your problem, don’t try suicide. Or if you’ve got a problem that big, try suicide first. Suicide alone should be enough to remove the problem. Homicide-suicides are desperately selfish, aren’t they? I’m really angry so I’m going to kill you. But I’m also really sad and defeated so I’ve saved a bullet for myself for after. You’ve really spoiled the benefit of both enterprises, haven’t you? You don’t get the consuming but useless guilt and grief you might have caused had you just ended it all and said goodbye to the cruel world. And you don’t really have the time to enjoy satisfying your own bloodlust, either.

No. I’m quite convinced homicide-suicides are misguided.

SS