SnappedShots: October Light, Pillows

October 6, 2004: October Light, Pillows

October Morning Light on Pillows through Cactus

My head is not my own right now. My chemicals have shifted and changed. I’m carrying around odd feelings that don’t really feel like my own. Like I’m picking up someone else’s feelings. I can’t say that I like them. And what’s worse, these feelings don’t attach themselves to anything. There is no tangible cause, no knowable source for these feelings. I want very much to dispose of them. Because, meanwhile, I’m feeling uncommonly lost and odd. I’m feeling not myself. I’m looking at the word feeling and how many times I used it just now. That’s too many.

It really is unlike me. It’s not my normal sense of odd, I’m feeling. It’s not my normal feeling of lost, I’m feeling. And the quiet and the serenity around me right now, I can’t even enjoy. Which is also unlike me.

Perhaps it’s a kind of mental claustrophobia. I want to be somebody else. And if I can’t be somebody else, I want to do something else. Maybe I need a vacation. I need a new setting, a new place, a new catalyst, a new reaction. All of my old is so familiar, so dusty, so ordinary. My habitat has a queer zooish quality that I might have myself created.

Meanwhile, October morning light on my pillows through the cactus on my window sill.

Strange — I know how you feel — isn’t it weird how all of the sudden you can feel this sudden dread just wash over you, and you have no idea why? Or you feel paralyzed — or lackluster — and don’t want to do a damned thing? That’s sort of how I feel right now — I should be out taking lots of photos with my pretty camera — but I just can’t muster up the energy — and I can’t formulate images in my mind the way I normally do — I usually can think about what I’m sort of looking for, then, go out and take images to match my mind’s eye… but I feel blank at the moment — in fact, my brain aches a bit — too much of something, I suppose — maybe it’s the rigors of the assignments — I feel strapped by them — instead of feeling free to do whatever comes to mind… Ahh… that may be part of it — I just hate to be told what to do —- especially when I already know how to do something…

Also — it’s like there are drums beating in the background somewhere — warning sounds —early disant warnings… and I’m trying not to pay attention —- it’s a nagging feeling… and maybe a longer for something else… I’m not sure…. but you’ve elicited these feelings from my brain…

Posted by: bob at October 6, 2004 5:38 PM