My life like an Oscar production would be keen. No, not to be seen all over the world. My life is not so interesting; or rather it’s as interesting as everyone else’s, which is to say very much but just as much as yours.

I mean this. I want the PR team and spin doctors. I want the people who keep getting work for Kevin Costner and Paris Hilton. I want the people who can get Martha Stewart a job immediately out of the clink.

I want a five second delay. Or maybe ten. There are so many times in life, so many times in a day, where it would be so useful to back up ten seconds and get a do-over or even bleeped. A stupid thing to say. A thoughtless thing to say. An insensitive thing to say. Or nothing at all clever to say, zip, back up ten seconds you’ve got your do over. A really clever thing to say after all. I can try a different pick up line. Didn’t work? Back up. Again. Another pick up line. If I ever caught myself saying something so ridiculously stupid and useless as “You look tired”. Five seconds. Do over. I’ve forgotten to look both ways and I find myself run-over. Five seconds. Do over. I take a drag off my cigarette, fill myself with that beautiful poison. Back up five seconds.

And only the most ludicrously beautiful people would introduce the most boring people in my life. That should keep my attention. A duo of Spanish sex kittens open the door for me when I go to H&R Block. Yes, I think I would appreciate that.

The secret orchestra that stops boring people. I’m talking to someone, or rather listening to someone talk about taxes or the cute things their kids do or on the phone with my rep who gives me work to do and the secret orchestra man starts playing the stop talking music. Very handy, that. Sure it makes me a jerk, but who cares, I’m an Oscar production and I have a PR team and Spin Doctors to fix it all up.

I want 5 minute commercial breaks to collect my thoughts and fix my hair. I want someone to keep my seat warm when I’ve got up. I want my own personal comedic host to tell me jokes between the main events of my life.

I want Morgan Freeman. Morgan Freeman makes everything so darned respectable.

I want a teleprompter. Sure it would be nice to go impromptu. It would be nice to wing it. It might be nice to speak from the heart. But it would also be really nice knowing I didn’t have to.

By now of course your secret orchestra would be putting up the block. A movement to move me off the stage. And when I was out of time I could say, “I’d like to thank all the people who know who they are”. That way nobody feels left out.

SS