Memorandum:

We all know that Santa Claus lives in the North Pole. This is tricky because there are two, perhaps three North Poles – the Magnetic North Pole, the geographic North Pole, and the Geomagnetic North Pole. This could be perceived, then, as making Santa Claus a Canadian citizen. And what with his Canadian colors, Santa is certainly skewing Canuck.

And, yes, while we might be grateful for Pamela Anderson, it has to be agreed that that is not a fair trade, not even close, for that Celine Dion person. And, of course, we all know about the problems with Canada’s beef. And while that country is sitting on the brink of same-sex marriages, it is time to repatriate Santa Claus. Santa needs to be more accessible to Americans. DC Comics moved Superman out of Saskatchewan. If the Mormons can repatriate Jesus, we can certainly repatriate Santa Claus.

Besides moving him, we are also rebranding Santa. It’s no secret that Santa also skews Coca-Cola. The solution? Blue. Blue will Americanize Santa Claus. And, of course, blue will diminish the Coca-Cola brand. We are in the process of pursuing world-renowned commercial artists to reposition Kris Kringle. We are cross-branding with RayBan to give Santa sporty eyewear, in blue of course. Artists are also considering a blue sash, a blue belt, and blue boots.

We are about to launch an online contest. Visitors can win prizes by voting on Santa’s new blue accessory. Will it be the RayBans, the sash, the belt, or the boots? Additionally visitors are being asked to nominate a new American home for Santa. The contest is open to all American citizens.

We are thrilled to be part of history and proud to be so strongly associated in our brand with the new Santa Claus.

Chris Belsnickle, VP, Marketing, Cola and Media
USAnta Inc.
A subsidiary of PepsiCo