My chingu,

No. I’m not taking very good care of myself. Taking care of yourself is just so much work. And my diet of primarily coffee and nicotine isn’t working out very well. Do you know I still smoke? I started smoking in Korea. That was almost 10 years ago. It’s sad that I haven’t quit. I remember the time you showed me how to pretend to smoke. It looked just like you were smoking but you weren’t. You were always much smarter than me.

I’m sorry I still haven’t sent a recent picture of myself. You know it should be easy. I told you I have a digital camera. I told you I’m always taking pictures. Just not of myself. It’s all vanity of course. It’s 1 am now and I’m in my track pants and my hair is a mess and my apartment is a mess and that would just be a very sad picture.

I don’t think you told me yet your wife’s name. Did you tell your mom and your dad that I said hello? I love your mother. She was very sweet and kind to me. She cared for me like she was my mother. Yes, I think she would be a very good mother to have. Thinking of your mother still makes my heart smile.

It’s the middle of the night and I’m in the middle of my life and in the middle of the world and my friend, my very good friend, is so far away. Will we ever meet again? I sure hope so. I’m so glad we found each other again. Are you going to be a daddy any time soon? Ohmigod, you’re not a daddy already are you?

I saw on the news that South Korea is thinking about patrolling the DMZ with robots with guns in about six years. Robots with guns? Is that a good idea? It’s so sad that your country has fought with itself for so long.

I remember a night very well. I think it might have been before we met, you and I. I had a student who was very strong and very smart and funny too. His name was Leo. Well, his adopted English name was Leo and I remember that because a Leo is a lion and the name suited him. Strong and confident. And one night I went to a bar downtown in Taegu (we spelled it Taegu, ten years ago). It was one of those bars that looked American and played American jazz music. And it was a few months after Leo was not my student anymore. And I was surprised and happy to see him there. And he invited me to his table with his friends and they were drinking of course. But something was funny. Something was not right. Like when you walk into a room after someone told a joke. And before long, Leo, this strong, smart, funny boy, was crying. He was going to the military the next day, for two, maybe three years, and he didn’t want to say goodbye to his family, and he didn’t want to stop studying, and he didn’t want to leave his girlfriend. And in that bar listening to fifty year old jazz music, this funny, smart, strong young man wept, wailed really, like a baby who had lost his mother. And I imagined his goodbyes the next day, acting strong and mature in front of his mom and dad, and I imagined him with his new army friends, acting like a man who was not afraid of becoming a solider, of becoming a man, as, no doubt, all of them would be acting. It was one of the saddest things I ever saw. It makes me sad still.

Good night. I’ll send a picture soon. I promise. I put your photo up by my desk. I can’t believe how much you look exactly the same, you bastard.

SS