Are you up? Did I wake you? Of course I woke you. No. Nobody is dead. No. Everything is Ok. Well, I mean, nothing in particular is wrong. I just couldn’t sleep. I don’t feel like sleeping. Yes I know it’s late. Ok. Early, then. I don’t know. I just don’t feel like sleeping.

I couldn’t think of anything better to do I guess. But I couldn’t stand the silence either. It was too much silence. I needed some contact. Just a person’s voice. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have. I was writing. Sort of. I was surfing porn. I was watching all-night cartoons. They get really crappy around 3 am. I was playing Neopets. Take your pick. The night was too dark. The house was too quiet. I needed a voice. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have.

No. There’s something so unwholesome about taking a bath in the middle of the night. No. I can’t watch a movie. The DVD player is fritzed. I tried that. I couldn’t concentrate. I read the same page like four times. I have to be in the right mood.

I can’t really say. I feel strange. Awake all night, you sort of feel, you know, out of it. Apart. Like a seed in the earth. Maybe there’s potential. Or maybe it will die. Either way it’s just a dark covered secret till it grows or till it dies. I don’t know. No, no. I’m Ok. I shouldn’t have. It’s too much.

Yeah. Maybe that’s it. I hate wasting time. Time is the easiest and the saddest thing to waste. I’m just so jumpy. I suppose I could. She’s up. Because I’m up, of course. But if people catch you walking your dog at 4 am, they think there’s something wrong with you. They think you’re being cruel. Maybe it is, I don’t know.

She’s looking at me. She knows I’m talking about her. She probably wishes I’d go to bed. I thought I’d do some jumping jacks. You know, to tire myself out. You wanna know what’s really sad. I forgot how. I don’t even know how to do jumping jacks. How do you forget how to do jumping jacks? I wonder why they’re called jumping jacks? Do you suppose they were named after their inventor? Does someone invent jumping jacks? Or maybe they’re named after Jack be Nimble. Jumping jacks. I’m talking about jumping jacks. You know. What they used to make you do in elementary school. Of course you did. You must have. Everybody has to learn how to do jumping jacks. Only I forgot.

Yeah, sure. I’m alright. I promise. I just miss. I just miss. I don’t know. I just miss being a whole person. Maybe I was never a whole person. Maybe nobody gets to be a whole person. Yeah, I suppose. But I still do too little, you know? Maybe I do want to do too much. But I don’t know how to stop that. Except of course, when I have it in my head to do too many things I don’t do anything at all.

I know. I know. Of course you do. Of course you should. I shouldn’t have called. Yeah, Ok. Tomorrow. G’night. Good morning then. Sleep well.

Sleep maybe. It’s what I should do. I’ll try. G’night.

SS