The producers of secret summer indulgence, Big Brother, after exhausting ridiculous twists like ex-partners and secret twins in past seasons, are scurrying to pitch a new idea: Big Brother 6: the Conclave.

Because of recent public interest, CBS has submitted numerous petitions to the Vatican to install 100 cameras in the Papal Dormitory during the Conclave process. Of course tradition intends the process to be secret. Still, public interest has put pressure on the church. And Big Brother has promised spots to enlist new priests. Yes, it’s true, the Vatican doesn’t really need the publicity. Nor, could anyone say with any authority, does the Vatican need any more money. On paper, the Michaelangelos and the DaVincis are technically priceless. That is they are valued at zero dollars. Now that’s an interesting tax return. Michaelangelo’s Pieta. Value: $0.

But still, when it comes to money and attention, the Vatican might always want more. Papal funerals don’t come cheap.

Yes. There remains some concern that Big Brother 6: the Conclave might alienate the young. Yes, the young followed PJP2 but who is to say that they will remain interested? Typically, BB has kept their tried and true format of beautiful young people with more ego than brain or talent. “Yes, it’s a brave move,” admits one Big Brother exec, “but we firmly believe that the world interest in this process will be more than enough to maintain the show.”

Notwithstanding, BB execs are considering a number of ideas to sparkle up the ancient process. A bikini contest. A woman disguised as a pope elect. “One of our most inspired ideas,” BB exec, Gloria Blaspheme reveals, “is the chili vote. That is, we serve Wendy’s chili, and whichever pope-elect gets the finger, is the new pope. Or at the very least, he wins immunity. We’re also looking to book a special guest. We haven’t got confirmation yet but can I just say, well, he was our last temptation.”

SS